Drew Lanning: I Hate Battlestar Galactica
So, a year ago, Mr. Drew Lanning posted a rant about his anger over Battlestar Galactica.
The show is, as you fans know, ending very, very soon. Also, Drew's blog has gotten a very loud, very angry discussion going.
So, I figured I'd resurrect it from the bottom of the blog pile and put it back here because -- hey, it's awesome.
Enjoy!
Editor's Note: If any of you watch Battlestar Galactica, haven't reached the ending, and don't want any plot points ruined, you probably want to avoid Drew's hilarious and very angry blog. Oh, also, there's some swearing, but you probably expect that from him by now.
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For the past several weeks I've been writing weekly installments for this website's blog, and it's been quite the eye-opener, let me tell you. I can barely scrape up the will, desire, and talent to drop one of these logs into the internet's stream once a week. I sometimes ask myself, "How did I get into this mess?"
Well I've learned a few things about writing for the internet crowd in the past few weeks, and I thought I'd throw all of that together into this post. If Yuri fires me I could go out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. What I've learned about drawing an audience can be summed up as such:
- Sex - this needs no explanation
- Battlestar Galactica - the internet is dork central, and BG is like their theme song, if it were a song, but it's not, it's a TV show.
- Flame wars - not a slap fight between Danny Noriega and Andy Dick, a flame war is started when one internet douche intentionally tries to pick a fight with other internet douches. Hilarity ensues. Works best when the first douche doesn't really believe his own vitriol.
- Being wrong - see this xkcd comic for more about why this is important.
So these are the elements. Let's put them all together, shall we?
Battlestar Galactica sucks.
Someone told me a while ago that the network didn't have a budget for effects so they had to work with crafting a good story with memorable characters. Seems to me like they forgot the "crafting a good story with memorable characters" part.
Now I'm not talking out of my ass here, I've also spent the last several weeks getting completely caught up to the show in preparation for its season four premiere this April. I've watched every single episode except seasons 2 episode 15, which I heard sucked anyway. Well they all sucked, but that one was apparently a real stinker.
Where do I begin? Let's go ahead and start with the Cylons. What fucking morons! They apparently have the resources to annihilate the human race in twelve different systems at the same time, we're talking billions upon billions of people here, yet are "stretched thin" while trying to occupy a settlement of only tens of thousands? What kind of incompetent robots are we dealing with here? If SkyNet had the Cylons' resources Sara Connor would have been paste on the wall of a night club bathroom.
Oh, and how about the one where we're asked to believe that the Cylons had a changed of heart and abandoned their occupation of every single human planet they had conquered, only to turn around and occupy New Caprica? The writers must have thought they were clever with their bullshit current-event tie-in justification for that "whoops, we painted wrote ourselves into a corner" moment.
That's the overall problem with the show: too much symbolism with current politics and foreign affairs. It's one thing if Israel occupies Palestine or the US occupies Iraq. We're on Earth, and it's gotten pretty damn small. Some of us want the land you're squatting on, or hate your boss, or want your oil. But the Cylons and Humans have the entire galaxy to putz around in, can't someone just go to the other side of the universe and cool their jets for awhile? If they want to leave us alone, why don't they just leave us alone?
With dumbshits like Xena Warrior Princess and Al from Quantum Leap in charge, it's no wonder they can't muster the nuts to wipe out humanity. Dean Stockwell couldn't even get Scott Bakula home in 96 episodes. Useless.
Let's toss a few names around too, shall we? Kara Thrace: terrible actress. Who the fuck hired her? She's the second most annoying character on the show. Who's the first? Gaius Baltar. That dumb shit should have been killed during the second season, from a storytelling standpoint. I'm so sick of this universe's stupidest genius pulling the wool over everyone's eyes week after week after week. The writers haven't even given us one logical rationale for why he's chosen to make several of his selfish decisions, like choosing to not reveal Boomer's true identity as a Cylon. That made no sense whatsoever.
One last thing: it apparently only takes 16 months for a war-veteran in charge of a Battlestar to become a fat-ass pussy. That was the one moment of clarity the writers ever had, when Admiral Adama tossed his son out on his "fat ass". Priceless.
Now let's get the flame war going in the comments.
Oh, and sex. Just think about sex or something, that should cover it.
Jimmy Scotch
in drew lanning
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Reader Comments (26)
Jesus, what horrible grammar and spelling mistakes. I've corrected them, but used the over-popular "strikethrough" so my prior shame is still evident.
That was beautiful.
Battlestar Galactica is amazing, but this article is amazinger.
You are a dumbshit and have apparently never watched the show or you would fathom the subtle intricacies. How's that for a flaming bitch slap!
It's just an entertaining show. I love it and think its amazing, but it's not above getting made fun of. Funny article!
I love how fanboys of BSG defend their beloved show by dismissing the naysayers as ignorant for "not getting" the "intricacies" of the show, without actually explaining what it is we "don't get", or what these so-called "intricacies" are. Bad writing, boring characters that have no redeeming qualities--this is supposed to be sci-fi, but all I see is the same lame melodrama week after week, with nary a sci-fi scene in between.
My cell phone is more advanced than most of the props on battlestar gallactica
My cell phone is more advanced than most of the props on battlestar gallactica
I just wanna say thank you for saying what I've wanted to say about the new Battlestar Galatica show for sooo long now. You really made my day that much brighter knowing I'm not alone.
I've given the show every chance possible. Episode after episode of there excuse for what should be military discipline. Complete incompetence in deployments, tactical and strategic thinking. People are worried about this and that when the survival of there species is at stake. They just do whatever they want, screw it.
Oh my favorite is the air bursting nuclear detonations over large civilian areas that apparently don't do any damage. Oh and my absolute over the time all time greatest, epic science fiction thing ever, a ship that can take the hull contain explosion of a nuclear weapon that would burn in excess of 15k kelvin. Plus not counting the Gamma and X-ray radiation that would fry everything near it organic. Unless of course they have some advanced high density molecular alloy armor. So how the hell then does ordinary explosive missile and kinetic ammunition hurt the ship? What a joke. I can go on and on. Talking about how bad the acting is would probably fill the server.
I can't agree more with your post. I really liked the original series and was up for a reboot. I had no problems with a female Starbuck sleeping with Apollo (O.K. that was kinda tough to take) but her acting has been so annoying and terrible I just couldn't get into the characters. The characters don't seem to do anything that makes sense and the technology is ridiculous. Where the hell did the lasers go and why are we using rotary telephone handsets on a spaceship?
I just watched the episode where dee blows her brains out. Not sure why but that seems to be par for the course with this series. What I don't get is why is it still on the air? Everyone I talk to seems to think it is pretty lame story telling. Go figure...
The real problem, from my standpoint, comes from what I call the 'X-Files effect' where a show's writers make up a mysterious story line as they go along but are unable to tie it all up at the end.
This leads to some great television in the beginning; I actually liked the first season of BSG because it seemed like Ron Moore was spinning an interesting story arc with elements of myth, prophesy and good old sci-fi. -Plus it had cylons (the toaster kind) and special fx.
But now it has become clear (and Moore freely admits it) that the whole plot is being made up as they go along. And voted on by committee.
So of course it makes no sense and there are contradictions. It's no fun to try and figure out any more since there is no real plot. "Who should be the fifth?" "I dunno... how 'bout Adam Hatch?" "sure why not, it doesn't really matter..."
This plus the fact that there are no more special fx or battles or toaster cylons means that BSG does indeed now S U C K.
I will frakin kill you
Holy crap, you didn't even cover the other 8,762 plot and logic inconsistencies in this unbelievably bad show. It's stupid sloppy writing. And don't get me started on the absurd mythology.
Wow, my hat's off to you for just sitting through the show. I can't even do that. It just sucks so bad. I tried on several occasions and I just can't do it. My only observations: I noticed in the pilot they didn't use the shaky cam and now they use it like we're watching any other crap cop drama. If you like it, that's cool. I just can't watch it.
This thing keeps getting worse I am glad it will soon be put out of its misery. I wish the Sci Fi channel would do real Sci Fi instead of the shaksperain crap
wow. bsg is so good. you suck so much and i hate you.
I love you guys, finally it’s being said in decent numbers, finally we can come out of hiding and speak our minds. As the Bush years come to an abrupt conclusion so too does this mystical stigmata of the all too long running catastrophe of information conveyance that is BSG!
Traveling the whammy-verse. I got a friend and he regards the devicive crappola that is regularly referred to as "the new" battlestar galactica as Whammy-vision. the writers, such as they are, have apparently been given a mandate to come up with at least fifty "oh my god they didn't just do that" moments per show. it doesn't matter if the incidents are consistent with what's been transpiring for the last four years, or the last four minutes or anything like that, as long as the limp dickies pseudo geeks, stroking their remotes have something to "oh wow" about in a their girl-less huddles in school or college or whatever geeky programing sewing circle frat-house-reminiscent loft made into an office that they work at, and keep the myth of "greatest show on television" going. Y'know these walking jokes, the types that collect all the superficial industry mumbo-jumbo for quick public regurgitation so that they can wear the mantle of "witty" amongst peers of lesser attention to details, truth, facts, common sense, that sort of thing. same types that think that Joseph Campbell is some politician somewhere in the house of representatives, "uhhh the name sounds familiar, But I don't know nothing about that dude..., dude! I'm keepin' it real!"
I don't mean the cast aspersions on anyone, seriously. But I just look at stuff like this crap show and hear people going on and on about it and I wonder, "you're just looking at Sackoff's tits, right man, right? cause you can't be talking about the writing!"
Here's my geeky example, just so you know I was paying attention...:
Adama calls Starbuck "his girl" loves her like a daughter. but there's a slight glitch in their collective reality when motor bitch on wheels Admiral Cain appears out of nowhere and begins to threaten the harmony that is the finely oiled machine (up till then, heh heh heh) that was the surviving fleet of the colonial civilization. So he looks his "daughter" in the eyes and tells her to go on the Pegasus and shoot the admiral in the head in the middle of the bridge. Can we say suicide mission, children? That's a fine howdy do from the old father figure, right? they could have saved this plot point if they just addressed the sheer hopelessness of survival in such a situation, or if Adama had a moment where he realized what he was asking and regretted it (even if ended up doing it anyway) it would have made the situation more dire and realistic, instead of just being happy with it being the "sound bite of the week" where the pseudo dickie brains call it edgy!
Then there’s the time where the admiral goes out of his way to have his pilots save the chief’s wife, flying the banner of family and values and never leaving a man behind. Then the very next week, when the chief sympathizes with the plight of the peoples on the fueling ship, the same admiral Adama threatens to throw the chief’s wife and child in an airlock.
Somebody tell me honestly, is this just a case of writing team A not talking to writing team B, or are they just having food fights and throwing spit balls during creative huddles and brainstorming sessions instead of just going over their scripts? This show is LOADED with little choice moments like these, where people like myself, IE those of us paying attention, find ourselves mumbling that most sacredly dreaded phrase, the one no creator desires on the lips of his audience during a presentation:
"uhhh... what?"
Where’s the technology? My baby cousin has a goddamned cordless phone, why doesn’t Adama. I know the original show was a stock footage bonanza, but that didn’t stop them from having the occasion space battle. And who the hell doesn’t want to just drop a truck on Saul Tigh? Show of hands? The line’s forming to the rear! Moore’s using the ass end of the 1970’s hero’s handbook to wipe his ass with, and the national enquirer to glean inspiration!
Today’s lesson, my fine feathered friends? Never listen to clarion callers whom herald wads of celluloid crap like this preaching the gospel of greatness to whomever is gullible enough to listen that long. Watch it, look for consistencies, tell me if you find any. Look for heroes, tell me if you see any, look for action, breathtaking events, fantasy spectacle and scope, tell me if there are any. If you answer no to any of them you have yourself a genuine POS (that's piece of shit) science fiction showcase. But hey, that’s just my opinion. Those assholes are rich and I ain’t, so what the fuck do I know, right?
Oh, and how empty would that dialog be without the word Frak? Now, you newbie-want-everything-to-be-shiny-and-have-a-Modern-"slant"-on-it-for-it-to-be-worth-watchin'- types won't swoon when I tell you that the word Frak was leached from the original series, will you? Yep, taken from the same place that all the good ideas on the "reimagining" came from, the ORIGINAL. Now just for that it can't be "BETTER", can it? You can't stand on someone's shoulders and claim you're taller, can you? Does that make any sense?
Yes friends, Frak is from the 70's, so is Feldergarb and Microns and viper fighters the other battlestar Pegasus, Admiral Cain’s conflicts with Adama, Baltar being a traitor, the rag tag fugitive fleet, finding earth, that sort of thing, yadda yadda yadda. All the other stuff they they “created” AKA things that totally suck or are clichéd, ATL jump engines, cyber chips in the head creating an ongoing long running helucination of another person that no one but the chip bearer can see or hear, turning all the old male characters in the original in to a female, Cylons being created by humans, Cylons with human skin, sex in space and cigarettes, all those you newbies can claim as product of the collective modern day genius.
Back to my point; in what military situation are colorful colloquialisms allowed liberally? If you substitute Frak for it indicative counterpart "fuck" then you have the ships Ex-O running around there with a mouth dirtier than a pirate from the Caribbean! Good for morale I guess? Or bad writing? In Star Trek and a bunch of other SUCCESSFUL Sci fi shows they somehow managed to convey a full spectrum of emotions without resorting to word gimmicks, so why--- or wait, I forgot, those were shows with actual writers on them. My bad.
I'm turned off by the whole mythological element--especially the zodiac designations-- and haven't been able to stomach more than a few episodes, for any and all of the aforementioned aspects.
This is show is the kind of bad reserved for situations in which your back-up TV viewing plans have failed, the DVD player is broken, or Beastmaster III and Skin-e-max isn't a viable option.