Drew Lanning: I Hate Battlestar Galactica
So, a year ago, Mr. Drew Lanning posted a rant about his anger over Battlestar Galactica.
The show is, as you fans know, ending very, very soon. Also, Drew's blog has gotten a very loud, very angry discussion going.
So, I figured I'd resurrect it from the bottom of the blog pile and put it back here because -- hey, it's awesome.
Enjoy!
Editor's Note: If any of you watch Battlestar Galactica, haven't reached the ending, and don't want any plot points ruined, you probably want to avoid Drew's hilarious and very angry blog. Oh, also, there's some swearing, but you probably expect that from him by now.
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For the past several weeks I've been writing weekly installments for this website's blog, and it's been quite the eye-opener, let me tell you. I can barely scrape up the will, desire, and talent to drop one of these logs into the internet's stream once a week. I sometimes ask myself, "How did I get into this mess?"
Well I've learned a few things about writing for the internet crowd in the past few weeks, and I thought I'd throw all of that together into this post. If Yuri fires me I could go out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. What I've learned about drawing an audience can be summed up as such:
- Sex - this needs no explanation
- Battlestar Galactica - the internet is dork central, and BG is like their theme song, if it were a song, but it's not, it's a TV show.
- Flame wars - not a slap fight between Danny Noriega and Andy Dick, a flame war is started when one internet douche intentionally tries to pick a fight with other internet douches. Hilarity ensues. Works best when the first douche doesn't really believe his own vitriol.
- Being wrong - see this xkcd comic for more about why this is important.
So these are the elements. Let's put them all together, shall we?
Battlestar Galactica sucks.
Someone told me a while ago that the network didn't have a budget for effects so they had to work with crafting a good story with memorable characters. Seems to me like they forgot the "crafting a good story with memorable characters" part.
Now I'm not talking out of my ass here, I've also spent the last several weeks getting completely caught up to the show in preparation for its season four premiere this April. I've watched every single episode except seasons 2 episode 15, which I heard sucked anyway. Well they all sucked, but that one was apparently a real stinker.
Where do I begin? Let's go ahead and start with the Cylons. What fucking morons! They apparently have the resources to annihilate the human race in twelve different systems at the same time, we're talking billions upon billions of people here, yet are "stretched thin" while trying to occupy a settlement of only tens of thousands? What kind of incompetent robots are we dealing with here? If SkyNet had the Cylons' resources Sara Connor would have been paste on the wall of a night club bathroom.
Oh, and how about the one where we're asked to believe that the Cylons had a changed of heart and abandoned their occupation of every single human planet they had conquered, only to turn around and occupy New Caprica? The writers must have thought they were clever with their bullshit current-event tie-in justification for that "whoops, we painted wrote ourselves into a corner" moment.
That's the overall problem with the show: too much symbolism with current politics and foreign affairs. It's one thing if Israel occupies Palestine or the US occupies Iraq. We're on Earth, and it's gotten pretty damn small. Some of us want the land you're squatting on, or hate your boss, or want your oil. But the Cylons and Humans have the entire galaxy to putz around in, can't someone just go to the other side of the universe and cool their jets for awhile? If they want to leave us alone, why don't they just leave us alone?
With dumbshits like Xena Warrior Princess and Al from Quantum Leap in charge, it's no wonder they can't muster the nuts to wipe out humanity. Dean Stockwell couldn't even get Scott Bakula home in 96 episodes. Useless.
Let's toss a few names around too, shall we? Kara Thrace: terrible actress. Who the fuck hired her? She's the second most annoying character on the show. Who's the first? Gaius Baltar. That dumb shit should have been killed during the second season, from a storytelling standpoint. I'm so sick of this universe's stupidest genius pulling the wool over everyone's eyes week after week after week. The writers haven't even given us one logical rationale for why he's chosen to make several of his selfish decisions, like choosing to not reveal Boomer's true identity as a Cylon. That made no sense whatsoever.
One last thing: it apparently only takes 16 months for a war-veteran in charge of a Battlestar to become a fat-ass pussy. That was the one moment of clarity the writers ever had, when Admiral Adama tossed his son out on his "fat ass". Priceless.
Now let's get the flame war going in the comments.
Oh, and sex. Just think about sex or something, that should cover it.
Jimmy Scotch
in drew lanning
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26 Comments
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Reader Comments (26)
The new Battle-star Galactica...Absurd, Absurd and more absurd. I just watched the next to the last episode in a room full of my sci-fi friends and they all almost fell on the floor laughing at the scene of Baltar going around on Caprica just before the attack in a limo. So in other words these people had FTL intergalactic spaceflight capability at the time of the attack on Caprica and yet were still driving around in modern day look vehicles??!! Come on, give me an intergalactic BREAK!!
Micheal Collins
The new Battlestar Galactica is absurd. I can't for the life of me understand why some of the finest science fictions writers around have given it such drooling praise. There has always been a two trade between science and science fiction. The primary purpose of science fiction should be to expand to the human imagination as to what might actually be possible. List for me one significant aspect of the new Battlestar Galactica that really does that. A number of my sci-fi friends agree with me but are reluctant to say so because of the insane 'Battlestar Galactica is the greatest thing ever created in the history of the world' type of attitude many people are now shoving down our throats. Putting everything else aside, the idea that these people would have had intergalactic FTL capability but would still be using guns, boom miles, dial up telephones and automobiles on Caprica at the time they were attacked is utterly inane and ABSURD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stephen
The new BSG is pretty incredible. If you don't like, then guess what, YOU DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT. It's nothing wrong with the plot, or the characters, or that your demented brain thinks BSG 1980 was the way to go, it's that it is fucking different from the original, shot and edited in a creative voyeuristic way, and tells a story that some people feel compelled to keep watching.
A LOT of respected critics and authors of the science fiction community love it, but that doesn't mean you have to. It's not a show that tries to predict what a crazy future (or past) will look like with retarded helmets and flying motorcycles, nor does it create a big gay community in space ala Star Trek. It's just a fucking t.v. show, some people like it, some people don't.
If you don't enjoy it, then go watch a re-run of the original BSG, masturbate to star trek voyager, or just take a nap and cry some more.
I've waited 5 long years for this. Up until I found this site,I thought there was some kind of internet PC ban on critiquing the "mighty"Battlestar Galactica. Ironically,the same "respected" types that would normally be all over the constant gaping holes in logic on this show,ignore them completely in order to swoon over the un-friggin-believably over-the-top emotional "drama". Is this really what people would be acting like after their species was nearly exterminated? Jeez.maybe the Cylons were onto something,,,
Let's see,a civilization that has faster-than-light space travel,created AI that became self-aware(and self-evolving),but the rest of their technology looks like it's from 1984. Guns that fire bullets,Patriot missles and a radio system that sounds like the PA on a NYC subway. It's like showing modern-day cops carrying slingshots...
I like the writers' interpretation of the serie's premise: A female Cylon manages to come to Caprica,totally undetected(I guess the sattelite system is from '84,too),proceeds to walk amongst the populace,where she snaps an infant's neck(a totally needless scene)then saunters off,without one person trying to stop her. She then winds up in Gaius Baltar's bed(w/o explanation...of course),where we discover that,apparently,in this civilization world leaders give the defense codes to 12 planets to emotionally unstable scientists. Baltar then promptly gives up this info to an unknown woman because she had great sex with him(one of the writers must have been a NOW member). When the attack comes,he doesn't side with his own species,but instead cowers behind one of the beings responsible for their extermination. I;ve read high-school book reports with a more coherent,believable plot.
BSG is a show that's self-absorbed,self-important,and takes itself waaaay too seriously. None of the characters are remotely likeable,or even bearable. Katee Sackoff is not only hard on the eyes,she actually manages to make breasts look masculine(quite a feat,in my humble opinion).The gushing over BSG proves one thing: if you make any story dark,depressing,and negative enough,it will be called"brilliant"and"great writing". A bloated gothic space opera with a crew of neurotic,self-loathing manic depressives careening through space. Wow,how"real life"......
I gave this current show a chance when it first came out. I love a good sci-fi story. But after serving in the military I find this show totally disrespectful to anyone that has tried to do something more with their lives.
I'm not even going into the lack of scientific knowledge the writers have shown in making this show. It has been covered in earlier postings. My guess is that the writers failed science in high school. That puts this show firmly into the realm of fantasy.
Let's call this gleaming pile of warm fecal matter Soap Opera Galactica. That is what this show really is. It appeals to the least common denominator that soaps do. It is a simple story with sex and emotional intrique. Will this show be remembered in twenty years? Yes Just like Barberella and Flesh Gordon.
I am truly tired of reimaginings and reboots of writers and producers that think that stories need to freshened up for todays audience. When in reality all they are doing is dumbing down stories for the ignorant. Today people look for shows that they do not have to think about. I am sure Ron Moore and JJ Abrams are both thinking abouit reimagining 2001: A Space Odyssey. I am sure they can find places to add the gratuitous sex scenes in that story.
But BSG is finally going off the air and good riddance. I won't miss it at all.
That's it for me. Let the floggings begin by the BSG fans.
First off, anyone who disagrees with my post is an idiot. That pretty much goes for anyone who disagrees with anything in my entire life too, so there. Now you know.
I know I said "First off", but that's all I stopped in to say.