So, a year ago, Mr. Drew Lanning posted a rant about his anger over Battlestar Galactica.
The show is, as you fans know, ending very, very soon. Also, Drew's blog has gotten a very loud, very angry discussion going.
So, I figured I'd resurrect it from the bottom of the blog pile and put it back here because -- hey, it's awesome.
Enjoy!
Editor's Note: If any of you watch Battlestar Galactica, haven't reached the ending, and don't want any plot points ruined, you probably want to avoid Drew's hilarious and very angry blog. Oh, also, there's some swearing, but you probably expect that from him by now.
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For the past several weeks I've been writing weekly installments for this website's blog, and it's been quite the eye-opener, let me tell you. I can barely scrape up the will, desire, and talent to drop one of these logs into the internet's stream once a week. I sometimes ask myself, "How did I get into this mess?"
Well I've learned a few things about writing for the internet crowd in the past few weeks, and I thought I'd throw all of that together into this post. If Yuri fires me I could go out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. What I've learned about drawing an audience can be summed up as such:
So these are the elements. Let's put them all together, shall we?
Battlestar Galactica sucks.
Someone told me a while ago that the network didn't have a budget for effects so they had to work with crafting a good story with memorable characters. Seems to me like they forgot the "crafting a good story with memorable characters" part.
Now I'm not talking out of my ass here, I've also spent the last several weeks getting completely caught up to the show in preparation for its season four premiere this April. I've watched every single episode except seasons 2 episode 15, which I heard sucked anyway. Well they all sucked, but that one was apparently a real stinker.
Where do I begin? Let's go ahead and start with the Cylons. What fucking morons! They apparently have the resources to annihilate the human race in twelve different systems at the same time, we're talking billions upon billions of people here, yet are "stretched thin" while trying to occupy a settlement of only tens of thousands? What kind of incompetent robots are we dealing with here? If SkyNet had the Cylons' resources Sara Connor would have been paste on the wall of a night club bathroom.
Oh, and how about the one where we're asked to believe that the Cylons had a changed of heart and abandoned their occupation of every single human planet they had conquered, only to turn around and occupy New Caprica? The writers must have thought they were clever with their bullshit current-event tie-in justification for that "whoops, we painted wrote ourselves into a corner" moment.
That's the overall problem with the show: too much symbolism with current politics and foreign affairs. It's one thing if Israel occupies Palestine or the US occupies Iraq. We're on Earth, and it's gotten pretty damn small. Some of us want the land you're squatting on, or hate your boss, or want your oil. But the Cylons and Humans have the entire galaxy to putz around in, can't someone just go to the other side of the universe and cool their jets for awhile? If they want to leave us alone, why don't they just leave us alone?
With dumbshits like Xena Warrior Princess and Al from Quantum Leap in charge, it's no wonder they can't muster the nuts to wipe out humanity. Dean Stockwell couldn't even get Scott Bakula home in 96 episodes. Useless.
Let's toss a few names around too, shall we? Kara Thrace: terrible actress. Who the fuck hired her? She's the second most annoying character on the show. Who's the first? Gaius Baltar. That dumb shit should have been killed during the second season, from a storytelling standpoint. I'm so sick of this universe's stupidest genius pulling the wool over everyone's eyes week after week after week. The writers haven't even given us one logical rationale for why he's chosen to make several of his selfish decisions, like choosing to not reveal Boomer's true identity as a Cylon. That made no sense whatsoever.
One last thing: it apparently only takes 16 months for a war-veteran in charge of a Battlestar to become a fat-ass pussy. That was the one moment of clarity the writers ever had, when Admiral Adama tossed his son out on his "fat ass". Priceless.
Now let's get the flame war going in the comments.
Oh, and sex. Just think about sex or something, that should cover it.