Break a Leg

First of all, let me offer my humblest apologies for last week's post. It was peurile and juvenile, a complete waste of your time.

I would like to make it up to you now by classing up this joint with some footnotes from history. Let's talk today about Woodward and Bernstein's famous inside source, Deep Throat!

I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. Christmas is just around the corner and I am giddy with excitement. We decorated the house a few days ago and just yesterday went to the tree lot and bought a nice big Christmas tree.

It's great having a child because you get to re-live Christmas all over again. I have a list as long as my... arm, of all of the toys we're planning on getting him, and I'm pretty sure the Batcave is at the top of it. That and Lincoln Logs.

When you think about it, the Christmas tree tradition is really pretty wild. You cut down a tree and put it in your livingroom? Far out stuff, would aliens think we worship the trees and build altars in their honor? Probably not, since we kill the tree in the process.

There are a lot of things we do to the environment that make no sense at all, and are simply testaments to our mastery of our domain. We are environmental douchebags, why else we would kill a tree for Christmas then put it in a bowl of water to prolong its torture?

Now don't get me wrong, I love Christmas trees. I thinking eating steak is weird too but I sure do loves me some tenderloin.

Side note here: our son asks us where stuff comes from, or where we got something. When he asks where steak, or burgers, or turkey, or bacon (mmmmmmm, bacon) comes from, we tell him (for instance, with steak) that the cow lets us use his meat when he's done with it. Boy I'll say! I laugh inside every time I think about it.

Me: Hey cow, can I have some steak?

Cow: Well... I'm still using all my steak.

Me: Oh no, I mean when you're done with it.

Cow: Oh, OK... no problem!

Me: Thank you! <kills cow>

There must have been a time in man's history when he just ate any fucking thing that moved or grew out of the ground. Basically anything he could fit in his mouth that didn't break teeth while chewing on it. Think about coconuts: do you know how much effort it takes to get inside one of those fuckers? How did the first guy to eat a coconut know there was something even inside there worth eating?

I have to get back to work now, since we're still all working for a living and waiting for some Patron Saint of Internet Shows to come along and buy our lives from us. Yuri said we would all be rich and famous by now.