Break a Leg

I'm not really sure where to begin this week, there's just so much ground to cover. I'll begin things on a personal note, and then move on to more universally relatable topics.

First let's discuss what the kids are calling these days a nerdgasm. There wasn't even a comparable word for this when I was a kid, being a nerd was quite possible the worst insult you could offer somebody, maybe just above being a geek. They even made a whole movie about how these nerds get some revenge, which wouldn't make any sense today since nerds rule the world. In any event, my particular nerdgasm relies on the knowledge that not one, not two, but three universal indicators of nerd-itude are happening this very year. This very summer!

Indiana Jones, Batman, and the X-Files are set to ruin my job and my relationship with my family by July's end. How could this have possibly happened? Did you ever think in your wildest imagination that these three movies would all be coming out within two months of one another? I would outright proclaim this the best year of my life except that I have a wife and a son, and at least 50% of them actually read this blog. It's still damn close.

But that isn't what I'm here to share with you, not really. I saw something on the way in to work the other day, something that I wish I could honestly say I hoped to never see. It's something so astonishing that I would never have imagined it ever happening, so to say I hoped never to see it would make no real sense. It's just inconceivable.

I saw a man wiping his dog's ass with a napkin.

This was wrong on many levels, some obvious and some not so much. Firstly, and obviously, he was wiping his dog's ass with a napkin. I mean… really? I can't even imagine how or why this behavior came about. It would never in a million years cross my mind to wipe my dog's ass with a… with an anything! It's a dog for fuck's sake!

Secondly, he didn't just wipe it. No no no, not by a damn sight. He wiped, glanced at the napkin, glanced at the dog's ass again, then went back in for a second pass. This implies so much that's just plain wrong with the world that I can hardly bear to go into it. It wasn't just like a casual thing, like "My dog just shat, and I have this napkin in my hand. I wipe my own ass, why not my dog's? Let's try it out!" No, I don't think so, I don't think so at all. He's done this before, as evidenced by the fact that he could tell after the first pass that his work wasn't up to snuff. He needed a do-over.

Third on the list of How Wrong Can One Man Be, we have the whole notion that a dog's ass needs wiping. This is a dog we're talking about, and note even a real dog, it was like a little toy dog that rich people have. I was watching this dog's face as his ass was wiped (I couldn't bear to look at the man's face that was doing the wiping; it would have made me cry in anger or simply go stark ape-shit crazy and beat him senseless with his own ass-cleaned mutt). This dog expected his ass-wiping. He wasn't even enjoying it like a good dog should. This wasn't man's best friend at all, this was a horrible monstrosity like Cujo or the hound of the Baskervilles in a more subtle package. The dog knew that his "master" would wipe his ass of the freshly-laid shit, and awaited it expectantly. About the only good thing I can offer on the dog's behalf is that he waited patiently for the incompetent boob to try again after failing so miserably the first time.

So there you have it children, the burden I've been carrying lo these many days. I've unburdened myself, so please go forth with my tail of humanity and do the same for yourself.

Editor's note: Jennifer is talking about the best weekend ever -- which I will write about next week so as to not ruin Monday's awesome conversation.

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Happy Jenday, everybody!  Wooo!

 Just remember: ...oh dang, I had something worth remembering then I forgot what it was.  Sweet irony!

Anyway, it's been a busy week.  I put together some bits of a few more songs, got my rogue up to 21 despite not getting to play WoW at all all weekend.  And boy, lemme tell ya: it was one HELL of a weekend...

Warning: Non-Spoiler Alert

I'll be the first to admit that I don't get enough excersize.  I'd say I don't get out enough, but I'm out all the time.  And by "out" I mean out of the comfort of my room.  This time is, given, largely spent at work, which doesn't really count as "out", but it's a huge portion of my day that I could be drinking, so I consider that "out".  But as far as excersize, I'll do a couple 16z-curls and call it a day.

Anyway, Saturday, Pirate Captain Scott and I had planned to work on our tent poles.  Let the almost gayness begin.  We have both recently aquired period-style tents, i.e. tents made to look like they are from another period of time, not part of some woman's monthly cycle.  You ever see Glory with Matthew Broderick?  (Ok, who thought I was going to say "glory-hole?) You know those wedge-looking tents (huh-huh, he said "wedge")the soldiers stayed in?  That's what my tent looks like.  For support it uses two wooden 2"x2"s and 2"x4" cross beam.  I also ordered an 8'x12' awning so that I can bring my own shade with me whenever I go camping back in the 1600's.  Which is actually quite frequently, so I'm getting my money's worth.  All in all  that's about 13 big sticks that some guy back east picked up from the lumber yard, gave them a once-over with a router, and packed and shipped them to me.  Therefore, there were a lot of rough edges that needed to be sanded away and then the things had to be coated with sealant to protect against incremental weather and handling abuse...doesn't this sound as dirty to anyone else as it does to me?

By the way, dictionary.com's word of the day yesterday was "gimcrack: tastelessly showy, gaudy".  I only mention this because I had to look up "incremental" just to make sure I was using it right.  Also, it sort of describes my writing style.

 Anyway, this process took a good 7 hours, because not only were we staining my poles (ha ha) but we were doing Scott's poles as well, and he ordered a huge...pavilion tent.  But he needs the space because he's married.  The most time a girl will spend in my tent is a few hours a night (wink wink).

 After we had polished our poles to our satisfaction, it was time for me to head out and meet with the rest of the boys from Break a Leg to go over the script for the shoot on Sunday and work out some choreography.  That's right: choreography.

It is at this point I will leave the gap in my story telling because I leave that right to Yuri, since this is his show and I don't want to embarrass him by telling it better than he does.  Let's just say: after this past weekend my right arm is extremely sore...and I'm left handed. 

 And now: more EvsG

 

I normally write my columns Tuesday night, since that's the night the missus has her singing class. I put the young'n to bed after his supper, pour m'self a tall glass o' hooch, and fire up the ol' lappie for a night of drinkin' and bloggin'.

No such luck this week, she didn't go. We had a fine night of lava cake from Trader Joes (buy it, now! Just not from the Masonic store in SF, it's hard enough to keep in stock as it is. Don't forget the whipped cream!) and Dancing With The Stars.

Shut up.

Anyhoo, now it's Wednesday night and I'm up against it and looking for a topic to write on. Believe it or not, I searched for "blog topics" in my trusty Google bar and wouldn't you know it? First result! Go ahead and try it now. Oops, sorry, second result. Whatever, the point is, that second result gave me twenty blog post topics to choose from and I am now going to use them all. Ready?

1. Instructional: Search "blog topics" in Google. Write a blog from a topic in the second result. ???. Profit.
2. Informational: Trader Joes sells a great dessert called Lava Cake. The store on Masonic in San Francisco is sometimes out.
3. Reviews: Lava Cake is awesome. Bonus Review! Lava Cake with whipped cream is more awesome.
4. Lists: Drew Lanning's Latest 20 Blog Topics
5. Interviews: Drew, "Who's your favorite singer right now?" Sina, "I don't know... I like that Kristy Lee, can't keep her down."
6. Case Studies: American Idol - they changed the formula this year by letting contestants play instruments. It's been a big hit, showcasing several seasoned musicians that have more than just a big voice.
7. Profiles: Drew Lanning frequently waits until the last minute to complete his assignments, either professional or personal, and as such cannot be recommended as a good role model.
8. Link Posts: Check out this great post. There are so many reasons why I like it that I feel like my head is going to explode.
9. 'Problem' Posts: The problem with the post-strike return episode of Desperate Housewives is that it sucked. The writing was rushed, the acting was phoned in, and the characterizations were ridiculous.
   
10. Contrasting Two Options: On Friday nights at 10 you can watch Battlestar Galactica or The Soup. Thanks to DVR, I do both.
11. Rant: Randy Jackson is such a loser. Every critique he gives goes like this. "It started off OK, you had some pitch problems in the middle there, and the ending was just ah-ight for me, dog. It was OK for me, it was just OK."
12. Inspirational: I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had moved to Hollywood in my early twenties. I may or may not have made it as an actor, but I know for a fact that I would not have my wife or son. I'm glad I stayed in San Francisco.
13. Research: Population of Uzbekistan? 26,593,000.
14. Collation: Population of Uzbekistan? 26,593,000.
15. Prediction and Review: The prior episode of Break A Leg was great. The next episode will be amazingly great. I know, I've read it. Once.
16. Critique: The first episode of Break A Leg sucked, because Jimmy Scotch wasn't in it.
17. Debate: Vote for John McCain and you get another Republican in the White House. Then again, voting against him may land Hillary in the Oval Office. Tough choice.
18. Hypothetical: What if... Break A Leg is picked up by a network, cable or otherwise? I would probably shit my pants, just literally, really. Pbbbbbbfbfbbffftftfsht.
19. Satirical: If there's a beet famine, Yuri should eat his brother.
20. Memes and Projects: Digg this column.

 

Happy Jen Day!

So, a little history on this one:

Back in the summer of 04 I was in a production of Romeo and Juliet with the Sonoma County Repetory theater, which is about 45 minutes give or take from where I live. So every day I had to do the drive twice. The kicker here is that shortly before rehearsals had started, some jerk broke into my car and stole my stereo. So that's an hour and a half of driving (give or take) every day for 3 months with no tunes. That's enough to drive a man crazy.

So I started making up a song.

As I have mentioned before: I am a pirate. I have a group of friends and we do piratey things. I like to sing. I found out that I also realy enjoy Irish drinking tunes, but hey, who doesn't? So I started listening and learning a few. Then, when we'd go to WAR, I'd have some period songs to sing around the campfire and whatnot. Good times.

Now, my pirate crew was originally called something in Gaelic that meant "Black Rose". And the Gaelic words sound a lot like "Rose and Dagger", especially if heard when drunk and then only remembered 3 months later. So I thought we were called The House of the Rose and Dagger. So that's the name of my song. It was only later when the song started getting really popular and i started making businees cards that my pirate captain told me we were actually called the crew of the Black Rose...which meant i had to write ANOTHER song. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, three months, driving up and down the same stretch of highway with no tunes. And let me also say: I cannot read or write music, I play the trumpet, but badly, and I'd never even considered doing anything like making up a song. It just sorta happened. But at the end of three months I had something I felt pretty good about.

I sang it for my friends. They loved it. I sang it for more of my friends. They loved it. I sang it for a crowd of complete strangers numbering about 300 people, they went nuts. It was this song that got me inducted into the Militant Society of Bards (M.S.O.B.) And now, after about three years of knocking it around and writing a musical based on it, I have finally managed to make a recording of it. And not only did I make a recording of it, I made a recording that sounds like I got together with a couple of weasels and a troll or two and busted the thing out over a few bottles of hooch. And this with a music editing and creating program that I have had and taught myself the rudiments of in just under a week. After I got done laying down the tracks, I listened to it over and over and over and just laughed. I hope you will, too. Enjoy.

A night out turns into a nightmare for Jimmy after Larry takes him to a strip club. Now mentally scarred and screaming for his life, Jimmy tries to cope by remembering when life was better in the sewers.

Check out our new conversation right here, under "Episodes" or on YouTube, where we ask, beg, and plead of you to comment, favorite, rate and subscribe.

Thanks, guys! Stay tuned for more, next week!
-Yuri