Break a Leg

So let me tell you that I really hate actors. I just do. They talk about themselves, nothing but themselves; the shows they've done, the auditions they've been on, the big names they've worked in the same room with.

Wait, did I tell you about that time I worked with Francis Ford Coppola?

Right, kind of like that! I may include myself in my hatred, I really don't know, I've never talked to myself about anything of any real value. The point is that you go to any audition or shoot and you see these actors clustered in a corner rattling off their resumes to each other. It's really sickening.

Blogging's different though (yay!). I'm supposed to talk about myself, so I'm going to go ahead and talk about the time I worked with Francis Ford Coppola.

Hold on to your hats kids, it's going to be a wild ride.

A few years ago the whole town was abuzz that Coppola was casting for some sort of workshop up at his winery. Now since the whole town was abuzz, the result was predictable, and that's why I almost didn't go to the casting call.

It was a true cattle call, or as close to that as San Francisco can get. Every freaky freaked out actor showed up to that winery; it was freaking raining too. No matter how much confidence you have as an actor (and yours truly has a third leg's worth) you can't help but doubt your castability when you're surrounded by hundreds of other actors, many of which you know, several of whom you consider to be good.

Well the casting was just an interview. It was followed a week or so later by a callback that was basically an improv class, with Francis Ford Coppola. Awesome.

So improv is not really my thing, and I didn't feel so great after that, but at least I met the guy. And that was how I got to work with Francis Ford Coppola.

Kidding, he cast me, plus a few other people I knew, and about two dozen more that I didn't. It turns out he needed actors to get a script he was working on up on its feet. We were working with Director of Photography Ron Fricke, who shot Baraka. It turns out he had brought in a couple friends of his to work on the thing too, in the form of Virginia Madsen and Edward James Olmos. I kissed Virginia Madsen's legs. Thank god.

So we worked for a few days on a little set they built, got to read the script, and even saw some B-roll footage that they shot in New York for the film... during the September 11th attacks. Yes, we saw 9/11 footage from a different vantage point than you've ever seen, or ever will see. It was very eerie. And bagels, we saw footage from a bagel factory.

And that was when I worked with Francis Coppola.

Oh, and then about a year or so later his assistant called to see if I would come back for another reading. It was just to be a table read with a couple of the actors from the filmed thing. Francis had re-written the script and wanted to hear it out loud.

When I got there the table was set up a hollow-square style, which microphones around and some CD recorders. There was a script at every table, and me and the other two actors chosen for this were milling about having some coffee and chatting. For some reason the fact that the table was set for about a dozen people didn't seem strange to me at all at the time.

Then I heard someone mention that they were sending the vans to the airport, and someone else should start setting out the name cards... and then I saw the name cards.

Have you ever been in that position where you're desperately trying to be cool, but you desperately just don't want to be? This is like that, times eleven. Demi Moore, Clive Owen, Tony Shalhoub, Thora Birch, Demi Moore, and Lawrence Fishburne.

Interesting facts about that day:

• Mr. Fishburne said "You can call me Lawrence, you can call me Fish, but you can't call me Larry".
  
• Demi Moore was Sidekickin' at every break. Probably with Ashton.
• I told Clive Owen that the first time I had ever seen him was in a video game called Privateer 2. He remembered it. Not so interesting story, then.
• I told Tony Shalhoub that once I was stoned at a director's meeting in college and someone who knew I was stoned asked me to do my Antonio impression. I managed to not do that impression for Tony Shalhoub, thank god.
• Thora Birch? Like you'd expect.

I managed to contain myself and not make too big an ass during the read, then we all retired to the guest house for dinner and cigars. I'm not joking, Tony Shalhoub's sister even cooked for us. I'm not joking, I smoked cigars with Lawrence Fishburne. I even told him I was a fan of his wife's and that it was a shame Firefly was cancelled. He said "Yeah, I know, but they're working on a movie now, so that's great".

I'm not joking, the first I heard about Serenity was from Lawrence Fishburne.

And that was the time I worked with Francis Ford Coppola.